Joe Cummings

August 25, 2019August 25, 2019

Staying Together in Disney World

Holding The-Youngest in place at Legoland, 2014 as he pulls a face for the camera.
Gosh, they were young. As was I.

Staying together in Disney World is hard, and to be frank, it’s not always the kid’s fault.

This is something I found in Legoland. With 3 other people, it is not three times harder, but exponentially 3 times harder. Maybe 300 times harder.

So let’s look at the challenges we face.

First. Me:

If I can cite a Disney movie, I’m very much like Dug the Dog from Up who suddenly stops when he sees a squirrel. Mostly it’s about seeing a great picture opportunity, but sometimes, I just kinda wander off like a lost puppy.

It’s because of my Joe 1.0 life. I was used to traveling with only one other person. Easy to stay together. Easy to shout, “oooh, I want to get a picture of the Disney Castle with the marching band in front and an old lamppost on the right and the sun behind me,” then head off and take that picture.

What I really need to do is to keep an eye on everyone else, but instead, it becomes a game – Who’s the last to see Joe has to figure out where he wandered off to! But on the plus side, I don’t move that fast.

Second challenge:

The-Youngest wants to race to the next thing to do, or worse, like me, he’ll see a squirrel and head towards it without warning. Or warning that we can understand.

He’s more Dug the dog than me simply by the speed which he runs off. One second he’s by your side, the next he’s walking along the top of a 400’ wall. With barbed wire. In the rain.

Third challenge:

The-Oldest seems to want to lag behind, mostly because he’s a teenager and vaguely embarrassed to be seen with us.

I mean, who can blame him. I have sunscreen slathered on so thick that I look like I’ve been coated in lard in preparation for deep frying. Worse, I wear super comfortable shorts that make me look like a Bavarian Slapdancer.

Last challenge:

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, well, she had no real faults here, as she simply tries to keep everyone close, worried they’d be stolen by stormtroopers in Hollywood Studios or eaten by bears at Whistler.

So, how did we go about staying together in Disney World with those 3 challenges?

Yelling helps, but it has to be a good, loud shout. Not, “joe, ah could you please come back here,” But “JOE!!!” Like you would shout at a dog before it pees on the neighbour’s leg.

See, shouting breaks the subject’s focus. Instead of thinking about the next ride or where best someone can take an amazing picture of Ironman hugging a 2-year-old, the person stops to look back at whoever is shouting at them.

It’s a good tactic.

A mom-voice helps here, the kind of voice you can hear from 12 blocks away while you’re riding shopping carts a down steep hill with your brother. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, despite her size and otherwise gentle demeanour, can summon that voice, a voice like someone dispelling a demon.

Me? I’ve worked on my dad-voice, trying to avoid sounding like the teacher in Ferris Bueler, “Bueler… Beuler,” and more like Gerald Butler’s King Leonidas in 300 (THIS IS SPARTA!) Sadly, I think I end up sounding like Gilbert Gottfried, but whatever, it gets the job done.

Next – Physical restraint works.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World had two moves.

One, she calls, ‘Holding Hands,’ but let’s be honest, it’s restraint, (restraint with love, maybe, but with her kung-fu grip, none of us are escaping.)

At some point, this may no longer work on The-Youngest when he’s, like, 30 and has been working out for 10 years, he may too strong for his mom. But until then, it works, even on The-Oldest who would rather be seen pant-less than holding hands with his mom.

The second move is ‘The Grab’. Sometimes you have to actually grab someone to stop them from racing into a crowd to be swept away by the sweaty river of humanity. Basically, you grab wherever you can grab, the shirt, the arm, the backpack…

I am good at this one, even at my old age.

The last, but perhaps least effective, is ‘Talking About Staying Together.” A lot.

You’d think this would work with me and The-Oldest, but being Dug the Dog means words are useless on me sometimes, and The-Oldest lives inside his head so much that he could wander off a cliff and not even realize he’s hurtling to his death until he hears a loud ‘splat’ sound.

Can you spot The-Youngest? In crowds, it so easy to get separated. Bright colors, helmets with flashing lights and a 10′ flag sticking out of a backpack helps, but it was a challenge to stay together at Disney World

However, ‘Talking About Staying Together’ is like an ice sculpture. For a short time, it’s cool, but then melts and you have to clean up the mess.

So, are we successful at staying together?

Like any family, not always, but we haven’t lost anyone, yet.

Yet.

August 23, 2019August 23, 2019

River of Lights – Animal Kingdom – Disney World Vacation Day 3

Tonight, the River of Lights.

The Tree of Life in Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. We had THE BEST day at this park.

I have to say, Disney World does so many things right.

First, they kept the weather amazing. I don’t know what Mickey Magic they cast, or what Avatar weather machine they activated, but the evening at Animal Kingdom was perfect. Pink skies. Long, fading clouds. A little hot, but manageable.

Second, they do the details sooooo right. There’s a whole rant about that later, but they create little worlds better than anyone, even most movie makers, though, yah, I guess, technically, they are movie makers as well.

Thirdly, they do shows well, perhaps better than anything in Vegas. Oh, sure Disney World has far less nudity than Vegas, and they’ve geared up their shows for younger audiences, or people who are secret 8-year-olds like me, but they are always entertaining and, often, spectacular.

River of Lights promised to be no exception.

But first we HAD to see the Kilimanjaro Safari in the evening. When talking to someone in the candy shop, he said it was a completely different experience at night. He also offered me a lot of candy to get into his van, so I’m a little suspicious of him, but his safari info mirrored what I’d see on YouTube.

So off we went. At this time of night, about 7:00, there were no line-ups. No line-ups! We got right on.

Oh, how I love no line-ups.

Kilimanjaro Safari – as the light faded, many of the animals came out to say hi. Even The-Oldest found the tour ‘ok’ which is teen-speak for amazing!

And the van-guy was right. A lot more animals had come out to wander around or stare menacingly at us.

See the Instagram pics here.

I saw giraffes glide across the plains, rhinos lumber around like they’d had a hard day standing in line-ups at Disney World, and the hyenas stalk around in a dangerous-looking pack.

But the highlight was the lions.

They roared at us!

Vid here.

Even the tour guide was excited.

The lions roared like majestic thunder, which was thrilling but also oddly unsettling (mostly because I think they were saying, back in my day, we’d eat your face off.) One moron roared back, but even that didn’t spoil that moment.

I’d heard real lions roar!

Super stoked, we finished the ride & soon reached the seats for the River of Lights show.

Mount Everest overlooks Animal Kingdom’s River of Lights – a fantastic show and a perfect end to our day.

Ok, it was crowded and we had to shuffle next to our sweaty neighbours (or to quote Rorschach from Watchman, I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with ME!)

Ok, we didn’t have the best view.

Ok, despite the sun going down, it was so hot that I began to sweat out of my eyeballs.

But none of that mattered when the show started.

Giant lotuses floated across the lake and spouted all sorts of colored water. Animated creatures danced on the water spray. Big turtles and other animals crawled across the water changing color, and all the while music blared, happy and all Lion-Kingee.

What made it even better were two girls who sat behind us. They knew every character who appeared in the water spray, would sing along with the songs with unrestrained glee, and even threated to cry at least twice because of how the show moved them.

I have to confess, when I’m watching a show like this or riding something like Avatar, the Flight of Passage, all cynicism melts from me in a sweaty puddle at my feet. All sarcasm dissipates like mist. I become a goofy kid, again, giddy and bouncy and delighted.

If only I could be that way all the time.

Either way, the boys had fun, though not as much fun as me, and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, being a girl, loved the message of love, the light displays, and music.

Afterward, we made our way with the crowd to stand in line for our bus. Even that line didn’t matter. We were on a Disney World high. Even being stuffed into the first available bus like potatoes about to be mashed, we were on a Disney World high.

It had been a great day.

And tomorrow, we were sure, would be even better!

The video of the River of Lights, below, is far, far better than my own, but being there, in person, is far, far more magical.

August 22, 2019August 22, 2019

Korean BBQ Ribs at Yak and Yeti – Animal Kingdom – Vacation Day 3

We’d only eaten at quick-serve places in Disney World due to our epic Disney Deal, but we decided to risk a few $$$ and try Korean BBQ ribs at the Yak and Yeti restaurant. (Asian food).

It was one of the best-recommended restaurants in Animal Kingdom (if not the whole of Disney World), but based on our experience at the check-in counter, our expectations had been lowered to the point that if we got plates of ribs half-eaten by yaks, we wouldn’t have been surprised.

The Yak and Yeti restaurant as we wait for our meal of Korean BBQ ribs (and a Kobe beef burger)! Best day in Disney World!

However, the moment we sat down, we met our waiter and he began to change our minds!

A southerner from Georgia, he had that ‘southern charm’ thing in spades. He made us laugh right off the bat, and we found out he had plans to go to Whistler in February for some skiing. That perked The-Youngest up, who immediately had to tell our waiter about every single run, and how good they were and how well he’d done on them.

Our waiter listened well past when he could have made an excuse (like the Yeti in the kitchen was on fire or something) and left.

Simply put, our waiter was fantastic. He’s one of those guys you’d invite over for a BBQ and beer.

After taking our picture about 100 times, he raced off to get our drinks. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World didn’t order anything alcoholic, (super surprising considering the day she’d had), but instead chose a refreshing non-alocholic drink with all sorts of leaves and happy juice. For The-Oldest, our waiter brought 3 children’s cups of milk so that he could have enough and get free refills. For me, a Kirin beer (no free refills). For The-Youngest, just water.

Bring on the BBQ ribs and beer!

Then we ordered our food, the food we’d come across a whole park to eat – Korean BBQ ribs.

But The-Oldest decided to try a Kobe beef burger since he wasn’t a big fan of spices or sauces or sauces with spices. He’d never had Kobe beef before so he wasn’t sure this was the best choice, but we told him to give it a try, it may be the best beef on the planet. Or in the universe for that matter since they don’t have cows on Alpha Centauri 11.

The-Oldest asked how I liked the beer. Kirin’s a great beer, I replied. Want a sip?

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-world sat bolt up and shot me a look.

Here the drinking age is like 80, I think, while the gun age is 4, so if I’d have given The-Oldest a gun, I’d have been fine, but a drink? I may have risked serious jail time. But whatever, we were on vacation and it was just a sip.

Sheepishly, I added, “If it’s, ah, you know, ok with your mom.”

She said it was ok.

We looked around like we were about to rob a bank or declare ourselves Trump supporters, then, with no one looking, The-Oldest took a sip.

He didn’t like it much. I mean, who really does the first few times, but he told his mom he thought he’d take up full-time drinking now, said that’s what most musicians did at some point, said it might help his creativity.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World gave me her I’m-going-to-shank-you look but I pretended not to see her.

When the Korean BBQ ribs arrived, the three of us dove in like starved hyenas, even making similar sounds. The ribs tasted amazing.

Simply.

Amazing.

Spicy, tangy, they had not too much sauce, and not too little. Plus the meat fell off the bone so easily that I think if I had sneezed, I would have sneezed the meat onto the lap of the person at the next table (and you could well imagine how embarrassing eating it off his lap would have been.)

The-Oldest, when asked about his burger said it was ok. High praise for a teenager, but still, a Kobe beef burger deserves something more like “OMG, so amazing I’m going to leave home and live at the Yak and Yeti,” or “That’s so tasty, nothing else will ever be as good so I’m going to become a Tibetan Monk.”

Sigh.

But that dinner was one of the best we’d had in months and months, maybe the best this year. Even The-Youngest agreed.

We left with each one of us satisfied and in great moods.

Despite that ‘cast member’ fail, we were having the best day! The Boyz rode Expedition Everest and took a wet ride on Kali River. I got to eat Dole Whip and touch the Buddhist bells for good luck, while all of us got to see lions and rhinos and elephants.

The Korean BBQ ribs. Soooooo good!

Then, before the adventure could become a grind, we went home to rest, returning to go on the Avatar: Flight of Passage ride, find a table at the Yak and Yeti, joke around with our utterly charming waiter, and then ate an amazing Koren BBQ ribs!!!

What a great day!

But that wasn’t the end. The Kilimanjaro Safari and River of Lights show would help cement this as a truly awesome day.

August 21, 2019August 21, 2019

Disney World Crew Member Fail – Animal Kingdom – Vacation Day 3

The guide books said a reservation was a MUST, but a polite request and a lovely smile from The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World got us into the Yak and Yeti Restaurant in Disney World’s Animal Kingdom.

So far, every interaction with a Disney World Cast Member had been awesome.

That was about to change.

Now, when in Disney world, every guide book, every YouTube video and every blog says make a reservation for popular restaurants.

However, we simply couldn’t pin down our dining times, so we were unable to make one.

Being Canadian, though, we thought, why not go and ask politely and smile a lot? Or more specifically, The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World thought this (she’s very good at smiling and being polite.)

So, still buzzing from the Avatar high, The-Youngest and I chattering like nerdy gerbils, we marched into Yak and Yeti Restaurant and asked. Any chance you have space for 4 before the next ice age?

Turned out the answer was, sure, it’s about a 20 min wait.

20 min! That’s all?!?!?!?!?!!!

Done deal!

We settled in for the wait, excited to eat at one of the best restaurants in Disney World, famous for its Korean BBQ ribs. Yum.

But while waiting, we had our first and only cast member fail.

Now, Disney prides itself on its customer service. The cleaning staff say hi when you walk by. With a smile. The cast members hang up a phone with ‘have a magical day.’ The staff in the stores smile and say good morning even when I’m scowling and haven’t had coffee yet, so a bad experience is… shocking!

Here’s what happened…

2 young women and a young man worked the front check-in counter. Back in Canada, we’d call them hosts or hostesses, you know, the people who decide where you go and when.

Well, while we waited for our table, a friend of theirs showed up. A super chatty, outgoing friend. Now, rather than say hi, maybe talk for 30 seconds then get back to work, the three cast members suddenly started to act like there were in a staff room far away from customers.

Yikes. The three workers and their ‘friend’ (likely an off-work co-worker) giggled and talked about the customers they’d served, their co-workers and pretty much anything that came into their vacant heads. It was like they lost track of the people in the room. Like anything they said couldn’t be heard.

Yeah, you tell them kid!

It was astoundingly rude.

But to make matters worse, when The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World found a cell phone that someone had left, she brought it to them. They vaguely thanked her and went back to discussing the stupid things they’d seen customers do today.

However, when a frantic woman ran in looking for a phone, with all her Disney pictures on it, the ones with her grandson, the ones that she hadn’t yet downloaded, the three behind the counter looked at each other and shrugged. Nope, no one’s turned in a phone. Nope.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World got that look on her face that usually sends us boys running because one of us has left the water running and overflowed the tub or have forgotten to turn off a burner and fried a frying pan. It’s an evil-eye glare that prisoners give before they shank someone.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World strode up to the desk and politely reminded them that she had JUST turned in a phone not 10 minutes ago. “Oh, THAT phone!” one of them said and fished it out from somewhere.

The cell-phone-lady thanked The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World who continued to glare at the idiots like she WAS going to shank them.

They were, in a word, useless.

But The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World helping that lady get her phone is one of the reasons why she is so awesome. I have a list coming, because it doesn’t stop here, but this is a great example. She saw a phone, turned it in, then made sure the poor, distracted grandmother got her phone back.

It’s why I love her so much.

Inside the beautiful and highly regarded Yak and Yeti restaurant.

Finally, the Disney World cast members’ friend left and the three got back to taking people to their seats.

Very soon, one took us upstairs.

We feared that if the cooks and servers behaved as badly, our meal might not be as awesome as we imagined.

August 20, 2019August 21, 2019

Avatar: Flight of Passage – Animal Kingdom – Vacation Day 3

Avatar: Flight of Passage. Animal Kingdom’s most popular ride, and for a VERY good reason. That’s an actual picture of me, btw, or at least how I felt.

Like I mentioned in the previous blog, I’m not easily surprised these days, but the Avatar: Flight of Passage ride sure surprised me.

I don’t think I’ve had so much fun on a ride in a long time.

Perhaps ever.

See, not only did Disney World do everything right getting me to the ride, but once we put on our 3D VR glasses, and the launch bay doors opened, we were taken into a whole new world.

We had only a moment to orient ourselves in this new world before we immediately fell. Or felt like we immediately fell, as the ride didn’t move like a rollercoaster, it simply gave us the impression of movement.

On the backs of our mount, called a Banshee, we plummeted into a world filled with other flying beasts, other beautiful creatures, towards floating rocks and amazing colors in the sky.

I said, without thinking, without fear, “Oh my f***ing God! Wow!”

Smells hit us as we passed into a cave, a musty, moldy smell.

I shook my head in awe. “Good lord!”

In Avatar: Flight of Passage, we’d be strapped into what looked like bikes but what were, in reality saddles for riding Banshees!

As the bike vibrated between our legs, like a breathing thing, we zoomed through more caverns, around trees, fought our way past some sort of angry Banshee, and then soared towards the open skies. We flew over rivers and above exotic animals, through multi-colored forests, over sparkling seas.

With each dive, I whooped like a little kid.

With each climb upwards, I looked around in amazement, muttering, “Wow.”

With each turn, I felt the wind and smelled the trees.

Incredible.

Too soon, the ride came to an end.

I wanted to be in that world, be on the back of that Banshee forever. I wanted to soar in the clouds, again, and feel the closeness of the floating islands as we rocketed around them.

But the Avatar: Flight of Passage was over.

I got off, giddy with excitement. The ride, however, would not let The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World go. As we all climbed off our ‘bikes,’ the restraints failed to uncouple on hers.

Now, me, I would have loved this. I’d be able to go on the ride again and again and again, and be totally happy with that, forever locked into that world, but The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World began to get a panicky look on her face.

I raced to the exit to grab a cast member to help her out, but just as I was about to drag one in, the ride released The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World and she ran past me like someone had told her the Rock was shirtless in the next room.

Despite that glitch, we all enjoyed the ride, me most of all.

It wasn’t that it hadn’t been done before (Star Tours basically did the same thing without the 3D VR glasses) but it was the combination of everything from the whole Pandoran world we had gone through to get to the ride, to the attention to the smallest details in the line-up, to the decontamination room, to the sounds and sights, and, yes, smells of the actual ride.

Avatar: Flight of Passage was the complete package.

5 stars out of 5, and just because of the vibrating between my legs.

But it was after that Avatar: Flight of Passage that we had our first bad experience, at least our first bad experience not caused by us. However, during that experience, it reminded me why I’m the luckiest guy in the world for being married to The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World (and, spoiler alert, it’s not just cuz she’s pretty.)

Below is what we saw, but not quite what we experienced. Not my video, but credits are in here.

August 18, 2019August 18, 2019

Disney World’s Pandora in Animal Kingdom – Vacation Day 3

Through clever use of vines draping from the Pandora sky-islands, Disney World makes it look like the islands actually float.

At my old age, it’s hard to actually surprise me.

People doing stupid things? (I have a whole top 10 from Disney World coming up), but those things hardly raise an eyebrow. Something amazing invented? Well, of course, it’s the age we live in. A twist in a movie? Ack, I saw that coming in act 1.

But the Disney World’s Pandora area surprised me.

We arrived back at the Animal Kingdom Theme Park at about 4:30, rested, good mood restored and ready for some fun in the evening. Having a Fastpass for Avatar for 5pm, we raced to Pandora.

From the moment we stepped into Pandora, I felt like I’d gone to a different world.

It started with a great mountain surrounded by floating islands. Floating islands! So cool.

Then, as we marched to the ride, I saw they had a show with the Pandora Utility Suit (pic here.) The man inside the towering exoskeleton put on a decent show, though, weirdly, I was the only one who ran to see it. The rest of the family waited patiently with their magic bands for the 5pm Fastpass appointment while I got my nerd on.

Ah, the details! Look at the plants on the walls, the cracks on the floor, the rust on the barrel, the dirt on the storage case.

Once inside the mountain, a ton of details, big and small, made it seem like were inside an underground complex from a different world.

From the scuffed paint on the floor to the doors that whooshed open to the posters on the walls, the attention to detail was epic.

Yes, I said it, epic.

And when we were led from the waiting area into the ride, we didn’t just jump on the scooter thingee, no, we found ourselves in a decontamination room. A person appeared on the screen and explained what would happen, and why we had to do this whole avatar thing.

They scanned us (but didn’t probe us, thankfully – that’s a whole different and somewhat uncomfortable experience), decontaminated us (complete with 4D puffs of air), analyzed our DNA, and then we were assigned Avatars. Mine looked like he’d walked into a wall a whole bunch of times, but whatever, it was different from all the other avatars.

It was fantastic.

And it was genius.

See, the time we spent outside looking at the bulbous, alien plants, or me pointing out how even the guard rails were all Pandora-ish (which, spoiler alert, no one really cared about), to the organic-looking drums the boys drummed, to the decontamination room, it all built up the expectation.

A spooky, hulking plant, but look at all the details around it. They really out-did themselves in the Avatar-themed part of Animal Kingdom

They created a world (and a ride) better than anything else in Disney World. Not entirely unique, as Star Tours still had that feeling, but it’s like they took all the best things they learned and applied it here, in Pandora.

I won’t lie, I became like The-Youngest, giddy and as excited as a boy on his first date.

Then the door leading out of the decontamination room whooshed open and, like good Canadians, we followed directions, put our packs away, sat on our bikes, and strapped in.

But ‘strapped in’ isn’t the right term. As we gripped the handlebars, braces were placed against our backs and sides. It was oddly snuggly.

Like good Canadians, we put on our magical glasses and waited.

Then the bikes began to vibrate. Right on our tummies and backs where the braces had been placed.

We waited for the doors in front of us to open. My heart drummed inside my chest.

What would the actual ride be like?

July 5, 2016

Oh To Be A 9 Year-Old-Again.

When I was young, I saw what I thought was the greatest movie of all time. Damnation Alley. Now, this was before Star Wars, you understand, but this movie had it all. Jan Michael Vincent with the coolest feathered hair, a neat truck that had three wheels where one would normally be, and the best special effects I’d ever seen. Giant scorpions! Carpets of flesh-eating beetles. And a spooky red sky!

OMG cool.

Years later, I watched that movie and thought that I must have been inhaling too much model glue. It sucked. And sucked bad.

But at that time in my life, it was the best movie ever.

Fast forward to today.

For fun, The-Youngest and I went to see Independence Day 2. He loved it in a way only a 9-year-old can love it. We got to sit in the D-box seats which basically means our butts got vibrated every time something blew up and the chair tilted this way and that with every flying sequence.

I gotta say, it was kinda cool.

He watched the movie with great intensity as humanity fought the aliens. He tilted and flowed with the gyrating D-seat. He raised his hands over his head when the aliens were defeated. (Oh, crap, I should have said, ‘spoiler alert’, but hey, spoiler alert, the aliens are defeated.)

Later, he told me how he would have shot the aliens, how he wants to go to Area 51 where they keep the aliens, and how he figured out how best to outfit my Mustang with lasers.

For him, the movie was a complete success. The graphics were amazing. There was none of that annoying ‘character development’ stuff that got in the way. He didn’t ask why the stupid old guy in a stupid bus would be chased by the stupid alien queen (oh, crap, spoiler alert, there’s a stupid alien queen, and she chases a stupid bus). He didn’t care that the alien’s plan seemed to boil down to drilling a hole in the earth when they could have pretty much just used their 3000-mile-wide ship to beat us into little pieces like some sort of kinder egg in the hands of an angry toddler.

Nope, for him, it was a great movie.

For me, I hated the dialogue. I hated the fake personal stakes, and I absolutely hated that there wasn’t a funny Will Smith pilot in it. I hated that I didn’t care about any of the characters or the world or even the aliens. I hated that the movie felt like I wrote it in grade 4.

I mean this is the age of Game of Thrones. Of The Walking Dead. Of Bridesmaids.

People know how to make good shows, so what happened here?

I have no idea. I blame Obama.

I would have given it a 2 out of 10.

But seeing it with The-Youngest, and listening to him talk about it with such enthusiasm, it made that movie a 6/10. 7/10 with those cool D-box seats.

I do miss that 9-year-old mindset when I didn’t judge a movie by the actors, the writing, the structure or theme, I just judged whether it was cool or not.

And if it had rad scorpions.