Joe Cummings

August 25, 2019August 25, 2019

Staying Together in Disney World

Holding The-Youngest in place at Legoland, 2014 as he pulls a face for the camera.
Gosh, they were young. As was I.

Staying together in Disney World is hard, and to be frank, it’s not always the kid’s fault.

This is something I found in Legoland. With 3 other people, it is not three times harder, but exponentially 3 times harder. Maybe 300 times harder.

So let’s look at the challenges we face.

First. Me:

If I can cite a Disney movie, I’m very much like Dug the Dog from Up who suddenly stops when he sees a squirrel. Mostly it’s about seeing a great picture opportunity, but sometimes, I just kinda wander off like a lost puppy.

It’s because of my Joe 1.0 life. I was used to traveling with only one other person. Easy to stay together. Easy to shout, “oooh, I want to get a picture of the Disney Castle with the marching band in front and an old lamppost on the right and the sun behind me,” then head off and take that picture.

What I really need to do is to keep an eye on everyone else, but instead, it becomes a game – Who’s the last to see Joe has to figure out where he wandered off to! But on the plus side, I don’t move that fast.

Second challenge:

The-Youngest wants to race to the next thing to do, or worse, like me, he’ll see a squirrel and head towards it without warning. Or warning that we can understand.

He’s more Dug the dog than me simply by the speed which he runs off. One second he’s by your side, the next he’s walking along the top of a 400’ wall. With barbed wire. In the rain.

Third challenge:

The-Oldest seems to want to lag behind, mostly because he’s a teenager and vaguely embarrassed to be seen with us.

I mean, who can blame him. I have sunscreen slathered on so thick that I look like I’ve been coated in lard in preparation for deep frying. Worse, I wear super comfortable shorts that make me look like a Bavarian Slapdancer.

Last challenge:

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, well, she had no real faults here, as she simply tries to keep everyone close, worried they’d be stolen by stormtroopers in Hollywood Studios or eaten by bears at Whistler.

So, how did we go about staying together in Disney World with those 3 challenges?

Yelling helps, but it has to be a good, loud shout. Not, “joe, ah could you please come back here,” But “JOE!!!” Like you would shout at a dog before it pees on the neighbour’s leg.

See, shouting breaks the subject’s focus. Instead of thinking about the next ride or where best someone can take an amazing picture of Ironman hugging a 2-year-old, the person stops to look back at whoever is shouting at them.

It’s a good tactic.

A mom-voice helps here, the kind of voice you can hear from 12 blocks away while you’re riding shopping carts a down steep hill with your brother. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, despite her size and otherwise gentle demeanour, can summon that voice, a voice like someone dispelling a demon.

Me? I’ve worked on my dad-voice, trying to avoid sounding like the teacher in Ferris Bueler, “Bueler… Beuler,” and more like Gerald Butler’s King Leonidas in 300 (THIS IS SPARTA!) Sadly, I think I end up sounding like Gilbert Gottfried, but whatever, it gets the job done.

Next – Physical restraint works.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World had two moves.

One, she calls, ‘Holding Hands,’ but let’s be honest, it’s restraint, (restraint with love, maybe, but with her kung-fu grip, none of us are escaping.)

At some point, this may no longer work on The-Youngest when he’s, like, 30 and has been working out for 10 years, he may too strong for his mom. But until then, it works, even on The-Oldest who would rather be seen pant-less than holding hands with his mom.

The second move is ‘The Grab’. Sometimes you have to actually grab someone to stop them from racing into a crowd to be swept away by the sweaty river of humanity. Basically, you grab wherever you can grab, the shirt, the arm, the backpack…

I am good at this one, even at my old age.

The last, but perhaps least effective, is ‘Talking About Staying Together.” A lot.

You’d think this would work with me and The-Oldest, but being Dug the Dog means words are useless on me sometimes, and The-Oldest lives inside his head so much that he could wander off a cliff and not even realize he’s hurtling to his death until he hears a loud ‘splat’ sound.

Can you spot The-Youngest? In crowds, it so easy to get separated. Bright colors, helmets with flashing lights and a 10′ flag sticking out of a backpack helps, but it was a challenge to stay together at Disney World

However, ‘Talking About Staying Together’ is like an ice sculpture. For a short time, it’s cool, but then melts and you have to clean up the mess.

So, are we successful at staying together?

Like any family, not always, but we haven’t lost anyone, yet.

Yet.

August 23, 2019August 23, 2019

River of Lights – Animal Kingdom – Disney World Vacation Day 3

Tonight, the River of Lights.

The Tree of Life in Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. We had THE BEST day at this park.

I have to say, Disney World does so many things right.

First, they kept the weather amazing. I don’t know what Mickey Magic they cast, or what Avatar weather machine they activated, but the evening at Animal Kingdom was perfect. Pink skies. Long, fading clouds. A little hot, but manageable.

Second, they do the details sooooo right. There’s a whole rant about that later, but they create little worlds better than anyone, even most movie makers, though, yah, I guess, technically, they are movie makers as well.

Thirdly, they do shows well, perhaps better than anything in Vegas. Oh, sure Disney World has far less nudity than Vegas, and they’ve geared up their shows for younger audiences, or people who are secret 8-year-olds like me, but they are always entertaining and, often, spectacular.

River of Lights promised to be no exception.

But first we HAD to see the Kilimanjaro Safari in the evening. When talking to someone in the candy shop, he said it was a completely different experience at night. He also offered me a lot of candy to get into his van, so I’m a little suspicious of him, but his safari info mirrored what I’d see on YouTube.

So off we went. At this time of night, about 7:00, there were no line-ups. No line-ups! We got right on.

Oh, how I love no line-ups.

Kilimanjaro Safari – as the light faded, many of the animals came out to say hi. Even The-Oldest found the tour ‘ok’ which is teen-speak for amazing!

And the van-guy was right. A lot more animals had come out to wander around or stare menacingly at us.

See the Instagram pics here.

I saw giraffes glide across the plains, rhinos lumber around like they’d had a hard day standing in line-ups at Disney World, and the hyenas stalk around in a dangerous-looking pack.

But the highlight was the lions.

They roared at us!

Vid here.

Even the tour guide was excited.

The lions roared like majestic thunder, which was thrilling but also oddly unsettling (mostly because I think they were saying, back in my day, we’d eat your face off.) One moron roared back, but even that didn’t spoil that moment.

I’d heard real lions roar!

Super stoked, we finished the ride & soon reached the seats for the River of Lights show.

Mount Everest overlooks Animal Kingdom’s River of Lights – a fantastic show and a perfect end to our day.

Ok, it was crowded and we had to shuffle next to our sweaty neighbours (or to quote Rorschach from Watchman, I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with ME!)

Ok, we didn’t have the best view.

Ok, despite the sun going down, it was so hot that I began to sweat out of my eyeballs.

But none of that mattered when the show started.

Giant lotuses floated across the lake and spouted all sorts of colored water. Animated creatures danced on the water spray. Big turtles and other animals crawled across the water changing color, and all the while music blared, happy and all Lion-Kingee.

What made it even better were two girls who sat behind us. They knew every character who appeared in the water spray, would sing along with the songs with unrestrained glee, and even threated to cry at least twice because of how the show moved them.

I have to confess, when I’m watching a show like this or riding something like Avatar, the Flight of Passage, all cynicism melts from me in a sweaty puddle at my feet. All sarcasm dissipates like mist. I become a goofy kid, again, giddy and bouncy and delighted.

If only I could be that way all the time.

Either way, the boys had fun, though not as much fun as me, and The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World, being a girl, loved the message of love, the light displays, and music.

Afterward, we made our way with the crowd to stand in line for our bus. Even that line didn’t matter. We were on a Disney World high. Even being stuffed into the first available bus like potatoes about to be mashed, we were on a Disney World high.

It had been a great day.

And tomorrow, we were sure, would be even better!

The video of the River of Lights, below, is far, far better than my own, but being there, in person, is far, far more magical.

August 22, 2019August 22, 2019

Korean BBQ Ribs at Yak and Yeti – Animal Kingdom – Vacation Day 3

We’d only eaten at quick-serve places in Disney World due to our epic Disney Deal, but we decided to risk a few $$$ and try Korean BBQ ribs at the Yak and Yeti restaurant. (Asian food).

It was one of the best-recommended restaurants in Animal Kingdom (if not the whole of Disney World), but based on our experience at the check-in counter, our expectations had been lowered to the point that if we got plates of ribs half-eaten by yaks, we wouldn’t have been surprised.

The Yak and Yeti restaurant as we wait for our meal of Korean BBQ ribs (and a Kobe beef burger)! Best day in Disney World!

However, the moment we sat down, we met our waiter and he began to change our minds!

A southerner from Georgia, he had that ‘southern charm’ thing in spades. He made us laugh right off the bat, and we found out he had plans to go to Whistler in February for some skiing. That perked The-Youngest up, who immediately had to tell our waiter about every single run, and how good they were and how well he’d done on them.

Our waiter listened well past when he could have made an excuse (like the Yeti in the kitchen was on fire or something) and left.

Simply put, our waiter was fantastic. He’s one of those guys you’d invite over for a BBQ and beer.

After taking our picture about 100 times, he raced off to get our drinks. The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World didn’t order anything alcoholic, (super surprising considering the day she’d had), but instead chose a refreshing non-alocholic drink with all sorts of leaves and happy juice. For The-Oldest, our waiter brought 3 children’s cups of milk so that he could have enough and get free refills. For me, a Kirin beer (no free refills). For The-Youngest, just water.

Bring on the BBQ ribs and beer!

Then we ordered our food, the food we’d come across a whole park to eat – Korean BBQ ribs.

But The-Oldest decided to try a Kobe beef burger since he wasn’t a big fan of spices or sauces or sauces with spices. He’d never had Kobe beef before so he wasn’t sure this was the best choice, but we told him to give it a try, it may be the best beef on the planet. Or in the universe for that matter since they don’t have cows on Alpha Centauri 11.

The-Oldest asked how I liked the beer. Kirin’s a great beer, I replied. Want a sip?

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-world sat bolt up and shot me a look.

Here the drinking age is like 80, I think, while the gun age is 4, so if I’d have given The-Oldest a gun, I’d have been fine, but a drink? I may have risked serious jail time. But whatever, we were on vacation and it was just a sip.

Sheepishly, I added, “If it’s, ah, you know, ok with your mom.”

She said it was ok.

We looked around like we were about to rob a bank or declare ourselves Trump supporters, then, with no one looking, The-Oldest took a sip.

He didn’t like it much. I mean, who really does the first few times, but he told his mom he thought he’d take up full-time drinking now, said that’s what most musicians did at some point, said it might help his creativity.

The-Prettiest-Girl-in-the-World gave me her I’m-going-to-shank-you look but I pretended not to see her.

When the Korean BBQ ribs arrived, the three of us dove in like starved hyenas, even making similar sounds. The ribs tasted amazing.

Simply.

Amazing.

Spicy, tangy, they had not too much sauce, and not too little. Plus the meat fell off the bone so easily that I think if I had sneezed, I would have sneezed the meat onto the lap of the person at the next table (and you could well imagine how embarrassing eating it off his lap would have been.)

The-Oldest, when asked about his burger said it was ok. High praise for a teenager, but still, a Kobe beef burger deserves something more like “OMG, so amazing I’m going to leave home and live at the Yak and Yeti,” or “That’s so tasty, nothing else will ever be as good so I’m going to become a Tibetan Monk.”

Sigh.

But that dinner was one of the best we’d had in months and months, maybe the best this year. Even The-Youngest agreed.

We left with each one of us satisfied and in great moods.

Despite that ‘cast member’ fail, we were having the best day! The Boyz rode Expedition Everest and took a wet ride on Kali River. I got to eat Dole Whip and touch the Buddhist bells for good luck, while all of us got to see lions and rhinos and elephants.

The Korean BBQ ribs. Soooooo good!

Then, before the adventure could become a grind, we went home to rest, returning to go on the Avatar: Flight of Passage ride, find a table at the Yak and Yeti, joke around with our utterly charming waiter, and then ate an amazing Koren BBQ ribs!!!

What a great day!

But that wasn’t the end. The Kilimanjaro Safari and River of Lights show would help cement this as a truly awesome day.