When I Get Older…

Of all the things I worry about when I’m thinking of getting old, the one that scares me the most is losing my mind.   I mean, will I know it when it happens?

So, I am tasking my friends to be the guardian of my sanity, or my mental well-being.  To help them along, here are 10 things to watch out for.  If I do anyone of them, please put me on a nice piece of floating ice and send me out to sea.

1) If I ever cut my hair like Justin Beiber.  It will mean I’ve either completely lost my mind or my hair (and I’m wearing a wig) or both.   Either way…

2) If I ever I begin to think the Twilight movies are AWESOME.  Don’t even bother with the floating ice, just shoot me.  In the head.  Zombie style.

3) If I ever show up at any party, camping trip or movie completely naked.  Oh I’ve had dreams about this but if it happens in real life, but a paper bag over my head and take me into the woods for the bears.

4) If I ever manage to correctly use ‘imply’ and ‘infer’.  Oh, I know the rules for their usage but those brain cells that allow me to remember them were tragically slain when I fell off a table, drunk, after singing London Calling at a staff party.  If I ever start using them correctly that means my mind has rewired itself and no telling where that will lead.  Best not to take any chances.

5) If I ever start rooting for the Boston Bruins.  There’s a good argument to be made that anyone rooting for them should be put down but for me, they are the devil’s team, mostly thugs, bruisers and cheap-shotters, yes, even back in Boddy Or’s day.

6) If I ever start keeping hissing cockroaches as pets.  Have you seen those things?  Jeez!   Spiders I get, snakes, ok, even rats I can understand, but those hideous things?  Yikes.

7) If I ever say, no thanks, I don’t want steak, I would rather have a salad with tofu.  Now at some point I may not be able to have a steak or eat it but I’ll always want one.

8)  If I ever say I think Keanu Reeves can act. Hey, even if I might one day believe it, but I will never say it.  Never.  Ever.

9) If I ever offer to mow someone’s lawn. I don’t know why I hate mowing so much but such an offer will surely mean my mind has baked in the sun for weeks.

10) If I ever forgot Margot or how amazing she was and how much I loved her.

0 Replies to “When I Get Older…”

  1. Joe, you have nothing to worry about on any of these counts. I would promise to off you as a courtesy should you ever exhibit any of these tragic behaviors, but by that time I, myself, may have unaccountably begun to tweet, or sworn off chocolate, or gone fundamentalist, or turned into a football fan … signs that I have been taken over by an alien presence and can no longer be trusted.

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